Forgiveness
Forgiveness gets a bit of a bad rap, in my opinion, as something very wishy-washy or new-agey. Almost as if people who operate from a space of forgiveness in their lives are simply doormats, willing to accept anything and who are weak or non-confrontational. In my work and life, I find almost the exact opposite to be true. For me, forgiveness is a brawny, active, almost muscular thing that is universally inherent to human beings.
Sometimes I think we assume that forgiveness has to be some sort of big, cathartic thing – but in actuality, there is opportunity for you to forgive almost every minute of every day. You might forgive the person next to you on the bus for having their music on too loud. Or that woman who stepped in front of you on the escalator, causing you to slow down when you were in a hurry. You might forgive a friend or loved one for saying something hurtful or thoughtless. You might forgive someone for not agreeing with you entirely in a conversation. It can be a small, daily, act.
On the other hand, anger at an injustice – or a perceived injustice – is as reliable a human response as joy or grief it. It’s natural and necessary. I’m in no way saying that we shouldn’t ever get angry! Anger is natural and healthy. But too often, when we become angry, we simplify other people’s positions, viewing them as more partisan and extreme than they actually are, causing us to see people without the same humanity we would want ourselves to be seen – we don’t give others (and in turn, ourselves) the benefit of the doubt.
As human beings, we’re all flawed and imperfect. Life is messy. We make mistakes, injure each other, say inappropriate things. It’s as close to a truth as you can get! What is the standard of “perfection” that you are trying to attain for yourself? Are you holding other people to expectations that you are also incapable of upholding? Perhaps the person you really need to forgive is yourself. You might be looking to forgive yourself for not saying the right thing everytime. For thinking the crazy thoughts you think all day. For not healing everyone around you. For wanting time for yourself. For wanting more than what is being presented to you.
If you’re resisting forgiving yourself these things, and the multitude of other things that you deserve to be forgiven for, it can be sucking up a lot of your energy from actually creating your life as you would have it. If the focus of your life is on everything that is wrong with you or others, or has become about getting revenge on some people or events of your past that you have perceived to be an injustice, it can be hard to see the bounty of opportunity and people who are looking to give amazing things all around you. This is a popular theme in stories and mythology. The hero is so blinded by revenge that they cannot see that they are only participating in the cycle of violence themselves.
Forgiveness is usually just a conversation, or a dialogue away – whether it is with another person, or with yourself thru meditation. You might discover that the offender is not the person you thought they were when they hurt you. You may also discover that you aren’t really the person you thought you were when you were hurt.
If you want to forgive or be forgiven, you need to go get it for yourself! All healing is self-healing. Actively seek out opportunities to forgive other people, and by proxy, opportunities to forgive yourself. I like to think of forgiveness less like the very modern, American-ized “forgive and forget”, but more like the old testament Jewish idea of “forgive and repair the world.”
